An ADHD Relationship
February is long and bleak, save for the promise and joy of a midwinter’s Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day can be a reminder that the love in a relationship can brighten winter’s darkness and warm the coldest of hearts…unless symptoms of ADHD have caused a rift in your relationship.
Many couples find themselves to be part of a neuro-divergent partnership: where one partner, or even both, have ADHD. Oftentimes, symptoms of ADHD are undiagnosed until marital or relational conflict arises. Symptoms of ADHD alone do not strain relationships. Discord and conflict are a result of the pattern of interactions surrounding a symptom of ADHD.
In order to change these relationship patterns, each partner is responsible for making individual changes.
For the partner displaying ADHD symptoms, changes they can make individually include:
· Being assessed for ADHD, and receiving the appropriate diagnosis;
· Pursuing treatment, including medication and therapy;
o There are several medications, don’t give up if one doesn’t work!
o Once medicated, how you relate to yourself and your partner will change, therapy can help you relate in new, effective ways.
· Be patient, learning how to interact differently will take time and flexibility!
For the partner without ADHD symptoms, changes they can make individually include:
· Learning as much as you can about ADHD and its symptoms – being able to recognize that some of your partner’s symptoms stem from ADHD is key to changing the relational pattern.
· Attend therapy with your partner. A therapist can guide you and your partner in establishing new patterns.
· Be patient, learning how to interact differently will take time and flexibility!
A book I strongly recommend for neuro-divergent couples is “The ADHD Effect on Marriage” by Melissa Orlov. She authors this book with her husband, giving advice from which they would have benefitted in their own marriage. The book is written with both ADHD and non-ADHD partners in mind, and to make the most of it, I recommend the couple read it together.
A final note: Many couples are committed enough to each other to pursue marital or couples counseling. However, not all couples’ therapists take symptoms of ADHD into account in their work. If you think ADHD plays a role in your relational dynamics, please bring this up to your therapist, or give our center a call.
By: Jenn Henefeld, IMFT-S
Resources:
“The ADHD Effect on Marriage” by Melissa Orlov
ADHD and Marriage website: adhdmarriage.com