If You Give an ADHD Kid a Chore

This is my son. He was asked to clean his bathroom. You see the outcome.

What you don’t see is that the bathroom was cleaned as well. Is this how I would have cleaned the bathroom? No. Did it take him significantly longer than it would have taken me? Yes. Does that matter? No.

If my goal is to have the most frustrating time, I will say to my children “go clean your room” or go do (insert chore here). It will not get done. If I want to witness an instant melt down, I will say “go to your room, pick up your toys and trash, clean off your dresser and desk and finish by vacuuming the floor.” So, what is a mom to do?

How do I get what I want them to get done to mesh with what they can realistically do?

First some backstory. I have tried every trick (good, bad and ridiculous) to get my kids to clean things “my way” or “to my standards”. I have made every type of chart and offered every type of reward. I have yelled, begged, bribed, and done everything short of conjuring Mary Poppins out of thin air. Nothing was working. So, I gave up. There was a short time they had no chores, I did it all. Life hack: if you want a child’s entitled attitude to ramp up quickly, don’t require them to contribute to household chores.

You know the phrase, “that’s not a hill I’m willing to die on”? Someone recommended only giving them chores I wouldn’t mind them doing “their way”.  It takes some serious self-evaluation to decide what household chores I was willing to “let slide”. For me, it was about “on stage” and “off stage”. If people could see it, it was mine. If only family and their friends saw it, it was theirs. Bedrooms? Not mine. Upstairs bathroom? Not mine. These things had to be cleaned but it would be okay if they were only as clean as an ADHD child could manage. This meant toys were off the floor but piled on shelves and dressers; dirty clothes were mostly in the dirty clothes basket, and only the middle of the floor was vacuumed. Full disclosure, I did do the toilet because that needs to be mom clean, not kid clean!

As the kids have gotten older, they are assigned to main level chores. My son is responsible for taking out the trash/recycling and mowing the lawn. My daughter is currently in my “clean something” phase. This means she needs to clean something on the main level, but she gets to choose. She generally picks one of three things: the tables, the guest bathroom (sans toilet), or putting away dishes. (Side note: giving her a choice seems to trump the usual blankness that accompanies one-step commands).

There are times when I need the whole family to help with a big clean (Thanksgiving, Christmas, overnight visitors) but I warn them in advance. That’s just to limit the whining. If I spring chores on them, it’s a fight. If I warn them, it’s only grumbling. Which is fine, I don’t even hear grumbling anymore.